218: I Am Better Off Dead

I Am Better Off Dead

"How do you handle yourself when Seren goes through that?"1

"It is a part of willpower and partly thanks to my constitution of half warlock which allows me to be more human and help me suppress my beast side really well. I can be normal when she is having her monthly cycle." He Paused for a while before speaking, "But willpower is the most important thing and the respect towards your wife. It makes things easier to handle. You will learn it slowly. Do not worry." 

"I feel like more than anything, I am the biggest threat to her existence." Arlan gazed into the horizon, his gaze wistful at the brightening sky. "I could not control myself in her presence. The only choice I can make is to walk away before I do something I'll regret."

"That's the reason you walked away from her instead of helping her?"

The prince whipped his head in Drayce's direction, the surprise on his face morphing to incredulity.

"Are you referring to what happened by the lake?" Arlan exclaimed. "Do you spend your nights spying on me?"

Drayce raised a brow. "I am not that bored, but there happens to be one living in my mansion. You know who that is."

High Elf Yorian!

Arlan gritted his teeth, "That puzzle of ancient bones and flesh."

Drayce smiled at his friend's anger and returned back to the subject at hand. "Oriana will likely misunderstand you for leaving her behind after she fell into the lake."

"That lake was shallow, and she could come out on her own."

"I am not talking about that."

"Doesn't matter. What's suffering from a little cold as long as she can stay safe from me?" Pain flashed in his eyes at the memory. The fear, the shock and the disappointment in those hazel eyes.  "If I had helped her at that time, if I had stayed a second longer with her in that state, I would have harmed her. I...I would have ended up doing something only a real beast would do. I believe I don't have to explain to you what does that mean."

Seeing him clench his fists to the point his knuckles had turned white, Drayce put a hand on his friend's shoulder. 

Desire. 

Humans were beings hailed as greedy, a race whose lives were ruled by desire. However, humankind exercised more freewill compared to their supernatural counterparts, who were more inclined to follow their nature.

Beasts were ruled by instinct from birth till death. And while ordinary beasts follow the instincts from their bloodline, divine beasts follow the instincts ingrained in their soul. They had few desires, but those were deeply rooted in their body, mind and soul. The shackles of nature on them were like a leash that would forever bind them. 

No one could understand the struggle a divine beast went through when they curved their desires, and neither anyone truly understood them even if they tried to explain. 

"There is only one solution— to properly communicate and coexist with your dragon part," Drayce said, only to get a displeased glare from Arlan. 

"Easier said that done!"

Before Arlan could say more, Drayce spoke again, "Listen—"

"I don't want to have this conversation again," Arlan cut him off. "Your situation and mine are different. You don't understand."

"I know," Drayce said, "and I understand. Your and my case are different. You are constantly fighting with another soul who covets your body at every single opportunity it gets. Two souls in one body, yours is a situation never seen before by anyone. For you, everyday is a battle to keep ownership of your body and  to keep your sanity. 

"But then? What do you plan to do? How do you plan to deal with the current situation? To ignore reality? Run away? You know it is impossible."

Arlan glared at Drayce. "There has to be another way. I am a human being. She should be by my side only because I want her to and not because that creature wants her. I should have the right to decide who I want by my side and not be forced by the instincts of that beast. Why would I give in to the desires of that beast? I don't want any of this!"

"Because that's how life is. We are dealt with situations, and not all of them will go the way we want them. There are problems with no clear answers. Arlan, listen to me. I trust your ability to solve everything for yourself. I just wish you do not end up losing someone and regretting it for the rest of your life."

"That girl is—"

"Your destined one, someone who is meant to complete you."

"Hah," Arlan sneered, "because of that beast's instincts?"

"Fine. Even if we disregard your beast side, her very existence makes you happy. Does her presence not give you comfort? Does she not bring you joy? You deny your feelings for her, but you know yourself—is it really just the dragon part of you who wants her? Be honest. You probably will go more insane upon losing her."

Arlan wanted to refute. His face had gone red with anger, but in the end, he could only let out a defeated groan.

"Dray, I'm at a loss what to do," he admitted. "I… tried. I did try to accept him, but every time he would betray what little trust I put in him, trying to take complete control over me." 

The prince let out a dry chuckle, hopelessness filling his eyes. 

"The more I am with her, the stronger he gets. Do I have to give up resisting? I'll probably not wake up one day because that damned thing has taken over my body. I am better off dead." 

Silence reigned on the rooftop of the steeple, from time to time interrupted by the morning songs of the birds perched on the trees below them. At this point, the sun had fully risen from the horizon, signaling the start of the day for the people of Nefer.

"From what I understand," Drayce said all of a sudden, "you have an advantage over him this time."

A flicker of surprise appeared in Arlan's dimmed eyes. 

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